Loved My Time Here, Didn’t Know ‘Til I Was Gone

The end of my time in Korea is leaving me with all sorts of mixed emotions; a roller coaster of emotions if you will.  Have you ever been somewhere that you liked but you also wanted to leave, and then when it came time you suddenly realized everything that you would miss?  Sometimes I feel like experiences I am in will never end, and I get surprised when they do and suddenly feel nostalgic.  I blame time.  When I put a time stamp on something, it seems SO LONG or SO SHORT, but if I can just focus on the moment all the time spent doing that thing is quite jolly.

Now that I am leaving Korea in a month and a half (!!!) I’m appreciating Korea in the same way as when I first got here; full of awe and wonder.  I also get nostalgic for my ‘beginning times’ when it gets warm here because I first arrived in the hot summer, which was full of smells, and there is nothing quite like a smell to activate a memory.  The warmth of spring hits me, the smell of flowers assault my senses, and all of the sudden I’m walking to school for the first time on my own feeling very different feelings compared to now.  It all makes me quite reflective.  Seoul to me then was HUGE and unknown, as was the culture and the people.  I was amazed that all of the colors of the cars were white, black, or gray (conform!); I couldn’t believe how often they used toilet tissue for napkins; squatter toilets were something new and made me giggle; the smell of dried squid made my stomach turn (and is now oddly comforting); cars that drove around yelling out of  loudspeakers what they were selling seemed like a North Korean attack; sitting on the floor eating galbi (Korean BBQ) was confusing; the crowds on the subway made me giggle then have a mini panic attack; the sight of the ‘new’ generation with high heels and mini-skirts walking by the ‘old’ generation dressed in old simple clothing, bent over picking up the gingko tree fruit off the sidewalk astounded me.  Everything was new, exciting, confusing, and scary.  Sometimes things are still new, exciting, confusing, and scary but not as often.

This is my first and probably last time living abroad for a significant amount of time.  I’m not exactly sure why Korea lost its vim and vigor in my eyes; perhaps it’s because the society is so materialistic/consumeristic/environmentally unfriendly, which is frustrating; or because I teach BOOKS all day to kids while I believe that kids should be outside learning and using books only as a resource; or because of the transience here – once I get close with a person they tend to go back home; maybe it’s because Korea is a small ocean locked place so you can only fly to get to other locations;  or maybe because the country of Korea seems so similar no matter where you are – nothing like America; perhaps it’s because it’s not America – no common language, food, or grocery store contents; or perhaps it’s because I never had a desire to go to Korea before – what mainly drew me here was money.  So all in all, here I am at 28, with the lesson learned that money sure as hell does not make one happy, and never will I ever do a job that I dislike just because I can make some cash doing so.  

However, I have become a better-rounded person (or so I’d like to think, otherwise what the hell was I doing for two years??)  I can cope in most any situation with pantomimes if necessary.  I’ve learned what it’s like to have someone be racist against me, and it does not feel good.  I know not to take things personally when someone pushes me out of the way, steals a seat from me on the subway, or won’t sit next to me on the subway.  I know how to travel better and smarter, and how people of all walks of life live in some Southeast Asian places.  I know how to teach better, how to incorporate music into the classroom, how to make boring lessons more fun, what is unmotivating for me as a teacher, and how to speak up so I can get some help.  I know how to work with a variety of different co-workers, and an (often) infuriating owner/principal.  I understand that cultures differ, but we’re all humans and have the same basic needs and desires.  I am slowly learning how to be a good partner in a relationship and therefore how to be a better person in the world.  I know that while I didn’t always have the best time here, I wouldn’t trade in this experience for anything.  All the clichés are right – you learn and grow from the hard stuff.  At least, that’s what I’m hoping for.

While I am having a newfound appreciation for Korea, I am also having a hard time staying in the moment at work.  I’m making a lot of plans for after Korea, which makes me feel checked out, so staying focused and ‘in it’ at school every day is a difficult task.  Also the method and content I have to teach is very much against my basic teaching principles.  I have five books to teach five-year-olds with, while most of them don’t understand what I say, and half of them don’t know how to turn pages yet.  My daily tasks include things that I know are not right for children, yet it’s what the parents want so it’s what I have to do.  I get frustrated when my students can’t do what I ask them to, yet I know deep down that they are not mentally/physically/emotionally ready for it yet.  It’s a lot of confusing emotions for me, but I am glad to see this way of teaching.  I don’t agree with how Korea teaches their children or the insane pressure they place on them, but kids really step up to the task when you set high expectations on them.  I know that there can be a balance between Korea’s education system and America’s.  Quite honestly, this is all fitting in with my plan of observing as many different educational models as possible before I delve into changing public education in the United States.  A naïve pipedream for sure, but per my plan of not becoming a burnt out teacher plugging it out until retirement, I would like to get into educational policy in my later years.

Once Korea is finished, I am very excited for my next adventure – going to Nepal to volunteer for a month.  More on that later.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written – it feels nice to be back at it.  I hope all are well back at home, and come mid-August, I’ll be seeing you!  Holy Moly!